Seriousness of Intent
by Antigone Sycamore
Summary: So, what was it exactly that led Harvey to his unexpected confession? Set after the events of Intent. Harvey's POV. Spoilers for 4x15 & 4x16. T for some bad language.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This story isn't beta-read yet. And since English is my second language, there might be some mistakes in grammar and punctuation for which I'd like to apologize in advance. Please, feel free to point them all out to me in the feedback. Although, if anyone is interested in beta-reading this, please let me know.

Disclaimer: They do not belong to me.

xxx

Seriousness of Intent

Despite his best efforts, he was painfully aware that he was being a dick again. Just like earlier today when he had brushed her off for seeking his comfort about the prospect of going to prison. But Donna threw him off his game lately.

Like two days ago, when she decided that it was a good idea to weasel her way into the Liberty Rail file room because she wanted to be the one who pulled the rabbit out of the hat for once. Considering the bigger picture, her behavior was no different than from what Louis did when he embezzled money for Charles Forstman. They both chose their own reputation, their own pride, over the greater good, over what was good for the firm. Over what was good for him.

Not that he couldn't relate to that. The narcissistic tendencies and the reckless behavior kind of came with the territory of being a top New York lawyer. Or with being a top New York lawyer's secretary, for that matter. But he would still be pissed as hell at her and call her out on her shit – just like she would do if their roles were reversed, and has already done a millionth times – if he couldn't still feel the sinking feeling of utter panic at the very thought of her going to jail over this stupid mistake.

Over_ this_, of all the crap they had pulled over the years and had gotten away with. _This_, of all the little cover-ups (and the big ones, too), of all the times they crossed lines – legally and otherwise – _this_ was what made him want to drop to his knees. _This_ was what had almost brought him to his knees. And it belatedly occurred to him then, that it _wasn't_ loyalty what made him want to drop to his knees.

_And there it was_. It was almost funny – certainly ironic. Nothing else had ever made him want him to drop to his knees before – and he was at a loss as to how he could've missed that for so long – even though he knew it had been there for a while now – before it blew up in his face.

How all of that resulted into him standing in her living room in the middle of the night confessing his love to her, like it was the most casual and obvious thing in the world, he still couldn't wrap his mind around.

He certainly hadn't planned for it to happen. Which was narcissistic and reckless behavior on his own part because he was aware that he put them both in a very difficult and vulnerable position. _But you see_, the thing is, she was _different_ – as he liked to point out lately. She was his moral compass on these matters and she was the only person in the world he ever wanted to talk to about these things. Even if this time, _this_ was actually about _her_.

And that is what made him a dick about it. Not only did he just tell her that he loved her without considering the repercussions such a confession could have, and therefore putting their working relationship as well as their friendship on the line – both things he values above anything else, and he knows she does too. But he also just expected her to have figured something out about him he didn't even acknowledge to himself until the sinking feeling of panic betrayed his cool and polished veneer and almost brought him to his knees.

_You know why. _Did she?

Let alone the fact that he, Harvey Specter, the man who walks into uncomfortable sticky situations for a living, walked out on her two seconds after that without so much as a nod implying that she, Donna Paulsen, the women who just happens to know these kinds of things for a living, could not possibly have not known that he's in love with her. - _That he's in love with her._ \- That was their thing after all. He counted on her to figure these kinds of things out about him before he even did himself – if he was ever lucky enough to get there at all without her emotional input. "_I can't be me without you." _This, he knows, was true back then and it is certainly true now.

Harvey watches as the blurry lights of the dark city pass by the backseat windows of his car. He resists the urge to check his messages. He knows that there won't be any. At least not any important ones. Some disconnected part of his brain is astonished that the very same feeling of utter panic he felt before is recurring a second time today, and it is trying to reason with him that he is not one to panic. That is what makes him exceptionally good at his job. He doesn't panic – more or less on principle. Except for when it comes to Donna – because she, as it now becomes all the more painfully apparent – is just _different_ in every conceivable way.

But if the fucked this up as bad as he things he did, he is going to lose her after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: This story isn't beta-read yet. And since English is my second language, there might be some mistakes in grammar and punctuation for which I like to apologize in advance. Please, feel free to point them all out to me in the feedback. Although, if anyone is interested in beta-reading this, please let me know.

Disclaimer: They do not belong to me.

xxx

"_I couldn't, but I assume Louis loved her, so-"_

He knows it's the wrong thing to say (again) even before it is out of his mouth, but he says it anyway. He briefly wonders whether some part of his fucked up mind is actually trying to sabotage him at this. It wouldn't be the first time – he is pretty good at unconsciously sabotaging his own relationships. He did it with Zoe and he did it with Scottie. Donna was the one who called him out on it. Both times.

And he can't let that happen with her too. He just can't-

"_-Do what you need to do." _

"_Oh, because she was his secretary, he must have loved her." _

He can hardly blame her for following up on that one. And since he still can't help behaving like a complete dick about this thing, he can't even blame her for being pissed at him.

"_That's not what I meant-"_

He's desperate to get this right – but at the same time he's at a complete loss as how to get this right – or what _right_ would look like exactly. She of all people should know that he doesn't have a fucking plan. He didn't have one the other night when he told her that he loved her and he sure as hell doesn't have one right now. The only thing he knows is that he can't lose her.

_-You know why.-_

And he puts all his faith in her to figure it out, because she just had to know. She just has to have a plan. He can't navigate these uncharted waters without her – and she knows that too.

"_But it is what you said."_

Her tone is sharp and right on the edge of accusatory now and for the first time since all of this started, he feels himself getting angry at her too. He's beginning to think that he might not be able to count on her wisdom to get them out of this after all because, apparently, he's not the only one who's behaving like a dick about this.

He comes forward with his feelings – something he knows, she knows is a hard thing for him to do – and then she's just gone all day without as much as leaving him a note as to where she's at. Only to come after him fist chance she gets, because he's at a loss as how to process any of this accurately – which, to be honest, shouldn't come as a surprise to either of them.

Again, he's pretty sure it is the wrong thing to say, because the last thing he indented to do is to get into a fight with her about this, but he says it anyway:

"_Okay, Donna. What's wrong?"_

And of course he knows it is a dumb question. He knows what's wrong. And he is not that much of an emotional idiot to expect her not to ever follow up on what he said to her last night. But he's angry now and his accusatory tone matches hers.

"_How about we start with the fact that I have been wondering for the last ten hours if you're going to acknowledge what happened last night. But you're you, so of course you're not."_

It's not fair. He hasn't even seen her in the last ten hours. She had been gone already when he came in this morning and he hasn't talked to her since. But it doesn't matter because he already knows that the reason she's pissed at him is not because he hadn't brought it up in the past ten hours. It is because he told her that he loved her and then walked out on her as if that was a normal thing to do. And of course she was right, when she assumed that he hadn't intended to ever bring it up again - hadn't his own brain just sabotaged him into doing so.

He suddenly thinks that this conversation might be easier if they didn't already know _everything_ about each other. Or if they at least tried to stop bullshitting each other.

"_I'm not gonna acknowledge it because nothing happened last night."_ Yeah, right. Good one, Harvey. Instead of trying to stop bullshitting, he's trying to deflect now.

"_Why? And don't tell me I know why."_ Didn't she?

Again, it's not fair because the question she's asking is _exactly_ the same that she already asked last night. And, ironically, the answer is too. But he doesn't think he can say that again and so he says instead,

_"Because it would have been a mistake, and you know it." _Doesn't she?

Even so he is in defense mode now, he truly means that. He hadn't actually intended to say what he said last night – mostly because he really assumes she already knows, had known before he did, and that therefore it didn't really need to be said out loud at all – and he had already recklessly and selfishly put their friendship and there working relationship on the line. He wasn't going to sleep with her out of impulse, or out of desperation for her to stay with him. It is the only part in this huge mess that he has created with his confession that he actually files under adult and responsible behavior on his part. And so it infuriates him beyond reason when she doesn't back off but instead tries to pressure him even more.

"_What I know is something happened, and you ran away, but not before you told me you loved me."_

His response, therefore, is immediate, loud and contemptuous and he can tell by the way her anger becomes palpable in the room that this just got really ugly.

"_I did that because I wanted to make you feel better."_

As usual, he's aware that it is definitely the wrong thing to say, it might even be the worst thing to say, - _I told you that I love you to make you feel better_ \- but he doesn't immediately regret it this time. He's angry at her now for not understanding. For not knowing – despite the fact that she is _Donna_ – that he sure as hell wasn't going to jeopardize their working relationship and their friendship for something he didn't know they could have.

The last time they crossed that particular line it ended in a disaster that almost cost them both a future that hadn't even started yet. She had to know that he wasn't going to recklessly sacrifice everything they had together – that he couldn't just do that because to him the risk of losing her to another failed relationship was far higher than their decade old friendship-zone status quo arrangement. He knows it is selfish, but he wants her in his life without the complications of a romantic relationship. And he knows she knows all of that.

And yet, there she is, standing in the middle of his office trying to back him into a corner because to her, _I love you, Donna _just isn't gonna cut it. Even so the last time they have touched this particular subject, she has made a point of being very much _Not . In . Love . With . You, Harvey._

So he plans on sticking to what he just said, until he realizes how much he's hurt and insulted her and he knows he got them both in even deeper shit with his statement than before.

"_What did you just say to me?"_ He hates the contempt that suddenly fills her voice and even though he's aware that he's not handling this right at all, this is not what he intended to happen when he told her that he loves her. So for both of them he's trying to backpedal.

"_That's not what I meant – I didn't say that-"_

But Donna cuts him off, head high voice pitched, while she retreats to his office door. _"-because you pity me?"_ And even so he's now really pissed at her, he also doesn't want this conversation to end like that. So he has no other choice but to repeat his word from last night.

"_No, I said it because I love you, and I wanted you to know it."_

He's aware that he's said it like she's one of his more short-tempered clients, who just won't understand that he was the one making the calls considering their legal situation. And of course, that makes him a dick all over again because now he's handling her like a business case. But at least he's good at that and, come to think of it, said out loud, it all sounded pretty damn simple. Just like the night before he's surprised at how easy it is to tell her that he loves her. Albeit in a heated argument in his _don't-bullshit-me-I-m-Harvey-Specter_ tone he usually reserves for his most difficult clients, the second time in ten hours, after over a decade of navigating through this strange maze that is their relationship, it somehow just feels like the simplest thing in the world. _I love you_, _Donna_. End of story.

But of course it is not the end because he expects her to just let it go – at least for now. _I love you, Donna – no strings attached. _But at least it gets her to turn around and use it as ammunition, which he thinks then, had been her intention all along.

Donna balances herself in front of his desk, her head high, her expression unreadable even to him and her stare hard. Her voice doesn't falter when she finally asks the question she came in here to ask to begin with,

"_Love me how?"_

She knows he can't – won't – answer that – partly because he doesn't want to, partly because he doesn't know how, but mostly because the answer would leave him even more vulnerable. And he certainly can't have that right now. But she nonetheless doesn't hesitate to repeat herself when he's immediately trying to give her an evasive answer. She cuts him off again.

"_Love me how?"_

And he thinks that she is just being cruel now. But in the back of his mind he knows he has done the same thing to her. He never let her get away with an evasive answer in ten years.

Harvey stubbornly falls silent and he knows that makes him a selfish bastard. But then again, this is not fair at all. He's told her that he loves her, for Christ's sake! Twice in the last ten hours. Without any expectations. Without expecting any answers. And now she wants him to show her all of his cards just like that, while she doesn't even have to play any? That didn't sound like a fair deal.

But it gets worse when she says,

"_That's what I thought."_ _Yeah_, it is also what he thought she thought. They've both already figured it out, but because they just know each other far too well to bullshit each other.

So Donna decides to cut to the chase and tell him that, of course, she knows exactly _why_. He doesn't expect any less. But her voice isn't as calm and controlled anymore as it was before. She's more than a little agitated now and part of him hates that he can do this to her.

"_You either can't answer or you won't, which is bullshit, because obviously, you don't just look at me this way. You're capable of looking at me that way, but you don't want to let those worlds collide because you're afraid to risk anything."  
_

She is right, of course. He doesn't want to risk anything. Because the way he sees it, he's fucked up about every romantic relationship he has ever been in. And he just can't do this to Donna. Or to himself. So he goes back to being stubborn when he shouts at her,

"_Because we have everything."_

And for the first time since this conversation started, she says something that surprises him.

"_No Harvey. You have everything."_

Because for the first time it occurs to him that Donna assumes that he knows something about her too. And ironically enough, it is exactly the same thing.

Donna thinks that he thinks that she's in love with him.

Despite the fact that she's made it perfectly clear on multiple occasions that she is _Donna-_, and that _Donna_ doesn't fall for other people just like that.

And the truth is, _yes_, Harvey does think that Donna loves him. He even knows it for a fact. She would've been long gone, if she didn't. But what he doesn't know is whether Donna still wants a romantic relationship with him. She's made it clear before, that it wasn't up to her to decide what was going to make him happy.

Despite their heated exchange, his heartbeat suddenly is far too loud in his own ears when he asks, _"So you're saying you want everything?"_

And despite his best efforts, he can feel his heart miss a beat or two as the seconds tick away and time stretches between them. The air in his office is thick and he has to swallow involuntarily because for a split second he feels like he won't be able to speak again.

Her voice is calm but raw with vulnerability when she finally says, _"I don't know, Harvey, but what I do know is I don't want your pity."_

And while he can feel something deep in his chest constrict when the panic sets in again, he thinks that her answer hurts far more than he had ever expected.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: This story isn't beta-read yet. And since English is my second language, there might be some mistakes in grammar and punctuation for which I like to apologize in advance. Please, feel free to point them all out to me in the feedback. Although, if anyone is interested in beta-reading this, please let me know.

I think that after the drama of the season 4 finale, I just had to get all of that out of my system.

Disclaimer: They do not belong to me.

xxx

_while you were sleeping, you bet that i might  
walk this empty northern hemisphere wide  
and the kingdom it came, well it all fell down  
it all fell to dust_

Gregory Alan Isakov – This Empty Northern Hemisphere

xxx

He knows it's stupid. But it is actually Louis' ridiculous, yet honest _Norma-was-a-battleaxe-eulogy_ that does it to him. But you see, the thing is, unlike Louis, he isn't an emotional and impulsive time bomb that likes to go off in regular intervals. And unlike Norma, Donna certainly isn't a battleaxe.

So this is going to need time. He's going to need time to figure out all the answers he knows he owes her. But for the first time, he thinks that he actually might be able to do just that because if he knows one thing, then it is that he wants her in his life.

So he actually decides there and then in that room that he can't have slipped another moment through his fingers. That he cannot let her walk by him without letting her know how he feels about her – and, _yes_, how he _really_ feels about her, and, _yes_, that it is her face he sees before he falls asleep at night, and, _yes_, that he wants to be able to touch her whenever and wherever it suits him, and, _yes_, that all of this scares the shit out of him because it might as well be enough to ruin everything they already have.

Because as cliché as it all sounds, Louis is right and _life slips by, and then it's over._

And he can't have that. He just can't have that-

So he decides to jump in, head first, because he cannot let another moment pass. And even so he knows that he will need time for this, he decides that, no matter what, he's actually going to try to stop acting like the selfish bastard that he is around her, because she is Donna and he actually _loves_ her, and she deserves better than a man who keeps her around for his own emotional benefit without ever giving anything in return.

He wants her to be happy, even if he doesn't know if it actually is up to him to decide what that means.

So unlike the day before, when he told her that he said he loved her to make her feel better, he's actually prepared the next time she walks into his office.

"_Hey."_

"_Hey-"_

Well, that's a start.

Donna doesn't close the door to his office and he's grateful for the late hour and the darkness. His mouth feels dry and he pushes himself to speak before he loses his nerve and says all the wrong things again.

"_Listen, I was thinking about what you said, about me pitying you. And I don't. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think you're one of the most amazing women I've ever met, and just because I don't –"_

But Donna cuts him off once more and Harvey can feel the ground rush up to him despite his sitting position.

"_I'm leaving you, Harvey."_

Wait? What?

"_What?"_

Her voice is calm and even. It doesn't hold any resentment when she says,

"_This isn't working for me anymore."_

It sends Harvey's brain into overdrive. He can't let that happen. And he panics again – which seems to become a bad habit lately – because he knows already that he won't ever come up with a coherent answer to that. So there is little left do to for him but to push himself to his feet, despite the sudden dizziness that clouds the edges of his vision.

He rounds his desk to stand in front of her and while his locket down brain browses through everything he could possibly say to that, he already knows he's going to stumble before he even speaks.

"_Donna, I know how you're feeling, but you just went through something huge, with being on trail, and, uh,", _it is a lie, because right at this moment, he has no idea what she's feeling and he's never felt this shut out in his entire life. But the voice in his head is screaming at him now to make her stop while he still can.

So he hears his own voice crack when he says,

"_-you need to give it time."_

_-Us_\- You need to give _us_ time. You need to give _me_ time. But the word wouldn't come out. He desperately hopes that she catches on to their meaning anyway.

"_You can't just quit."_

Something deep inside of him shatters as her voice sounds like steel cutting through glass.

"_I'm not quitting. I'm going to work for Louis."_

And he thinks that it is the wrong thing to say. That – this time – she has actually said the wrong thing – maybe even the worst thing – because that can't be right. And he's aware that he's actually close to tears now and pleading as her name sounds like a prayer on his lips,

"_Donna,…Donna, please."_

And Donna's voice, once again, is calm and clear, sincere even. It holds no resentment or pity, when she says,

"_I love you, Harvey."_


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: This story isn't beta-read yet. And since English is my second language, there might be some mistakes in grammar and punctuation for which I like to apologize in advance. Please, feel free to point them all out to me in the feedback. Although, if anyone is interested in beta-reading this, please let me know.

Disclaimer: They do not belong to me.

Okay, let's take this to the next level.

xxx

Somewhere in the back of his alcohol clouded mind, Harvey hears the elevator ding loud and clear through the darkness of the Pearson Specter Litt office floor.

He's dropped his expensive suit jacked and his tie, the top few buttons of his shirt are undone and there's a half empty bottle of unreasonably expensive single malt scotch on his coffee table. And for the split of a second, he actually thinks it is Donna, who's back at the office to tell him that she has made a mistake and that she would never leave him to go work for Louis.

But as he hears the familiar steps of high heels on marble floor approach over the quiet sound of his Miles Davis record, he can tell it isn't Donna. It is Jessica, who, he keeps forgetting, likes to retreat to the easy silence of her office afterhours even more than he does.

She doesn't seem surprised when she sees him on his couch, feet propped up on his coffee table, head leant back and an almost empty glass of single malt in hand. She doesn't wait for him to offer her some of his scotch, but pours herself a glass before she drops heavily into the spot next to him.

He can feel her gaze on him while she takes a sip of his scotch.

"_Rough day?"_

"_Something like that."_

She gives him an understanding nod and they sit in companionable silence for a moment and he's grateful for that because he thinks he's had too much to drink for a conversation with Jessica. And then he doesn't know whether it is the alcohol, his overall fragile emotional state or that Jessica actually had confided in him over her recently broken relationship with Jeff Malone, but his voice doesn't sound like his at all when he says,

"_I slept with Donna."_

And when he looks at her then, for the first time in ever, Jessica actually looks taken aback by his statement. And he thinks that he would find this extremely funny, if the circumstances were any different, because he has never seen her so surprised as in this moment. And she's probably the most unfazed person he knows, but this isn't at all what she has expected him to say.

"_What?"_ And she actually shakes her head in disbelief.

"_When?"_

"_Twelve years ago"_, he says as he takes another sip of his scotch.

"_Okay-"_, Jessica says slowly, stretching the word, as if her brain is still calculating the odds of him saying something like that. Harvey frowns at her and as he doesn't continue she says,

"_What am I missing?"_

"_Twelve years- But now she's going to go work for Louis because of it."_

And suddenly, her voice sounds alert, because, of course, now this concerns her business. And he would find this extremely funny too, because Jessica is probably the only person he knows, who's even less in touch with her own feelings, than he is.

"_Harvey, what did you do?"_

And the expensive scotch tastes bitter in the back of his throat when he says,

"_I told her that I love her."_

"_Twelve years ago?"_

Harvey frowns at her again.

"_Two days ago."_

And even if it still takes her uncharacteristically long to catch up, Harvey can finally see concern register on her face. Her voice is soft again when she says,

"_I'm sorry, Harvey."_


	5. Chapter 5

xxx

"_Do you want to tell me what the hell is going on?"_

Harvey looks up from the file on his desk to find his younger associate standing in the middle of his office. He appears to be slightly agitated – but then again, that's not exactly unusual.

"_What are you talking about?"_ And he already doesn't like where this is going.

It is an unprecedented event at Pearson Specter Litt (or whatever their name used to be), but Harvey took two days off – in a row. Donna, as a last official act as his secretary, rescheduled all of his appointments, even though he didn't asked her to do so. He made a point of not looking at her empty, cleaned out desk, when he came in this morning.

"_I'm talking about the fact that you just disappear for two days and when I get in here this morning, Donna tells me-"_

But Harvey cuts him off at that. _"It's none of your business, Mike."_ And his tone is far more dismissive than he intended it to be.

The younger man looks at him, unsure of how to proceed for a few seconds, but then his curiosity gets the better of him.

"_So Donna is working for Louis now,"_ he says slowly. _"And you are okay with that?"_

Harvey forces himself to nod.

"_And I'm okay with that," _he hears himself saying.

Mike still looks unsure as he changes his weight from one foot to the other, but Harvey's shots him a warning glance to drop the subject.

When he speaks again, the younger man sounds apologetic, _"I actually came in here to tell you something else."_

Harvey leans back in his chair and waves for Mike to take a seat across from him. Right at this moment, he's grateful for any distraction.

Mike hesitates for a moment before he says, _"I asked Rachel to marry me."_

And Harvey is actually surprised at that. He wasn't aware that after the whole Logan Sanders incident, their relationship was that much back on track again. But Mike and Rachel are his friends and he wishes both of them nothing but the best. And he is reminded that, thankfully, the world doesn't evolve around him and Donna and the drama they've created, but that there are people who actually manage to figure out the problems between them and move on to the next level.

So Harvey actually feels himself getting excited when he leans forward in his chair and asks,

"_And?"_

There is a slight smile playing over the younger man's features – as if he can't quite believe it himself – as he says, _"-and she said yes."_


	6. Chapter 6

As much as I would like it, I don't think there is an easy fix for Harvey's and Donna's situation right now. So of course, I expect them to put us through a lot of drama next season before these two can find some kind of peace.

Also, I stole a line from another famous TV redhead whose life was consumed by a man's cause. And it is not Jean Harlow.

And I would like to thank Nikki Macht, Guest, Guest, LivinNMyWorld, Luti, Guest, LoverandaFighter, Maesoul, alleemaria, AlternateShadesofBlue and everybody who follows this story or made it one of their favorites for their feedback! It really makes a difference to me! Thank you!

xxx

_To let me dangle at a cruel angle  
Oh my feet don't touch the floor  
Sometimes you're half in and then you're half out  
But never close the door_

Florence + The Machine, What Kind Of Man

xxx

For Harvey the shift is gradual but substantial.

It is an odd sensation he can't quite pinpoint at first. But then lost memories of another time and long buried desires bubble to the surface without his doing or his consent. And for the first time he curses the many glass walls the Pearson Specter Litt office floor is composed of. It's a feature he's always admired because they convey transparency and integrity so well. But nowadays when he lifts his gaze from the files on his desk and sees the temp that now occupies her cubicle, all he can feel is betrayal and regret.

And they haven't really talked since she started working for Louis two months ago. And the irony of it all isn't lost on him because this is exactly why he's kept her at arm's length for all those years. But now he's lost her despite his best efforts and the distance stretches like a chasm between them. And sometimes he thinks that this is ironic too, because they are the only two people in the world a mutual confession of love could drive further apart, instead of the other way round.

And it is his anger at that, that paralyzes him and that keeps him form even trying to reach out to her.

And it is not because she told him that she loved him and then walked out on him, just like he did earlier. It is because she had to walk all the way to Louis. It is because she was just so ready to sacrifice twelve years of their working relationship and of their friendship in the blink of an eye as if they didn't mean anything to her – as if they were never quite enough to her. As if she somehow expected him to know, that for her, all those years were never quite enough.

And to be honest, he finds that quite confusing because he distinctly remembers her getting actively involved in his relationship with Scottie not that long ago, and with Zoe before that, because she is _Donna_ – and _Donna_ just has to get involved and fix things.

He's angry at her because now it feels like all this time she has deliberately kept something very important from him. And now she just expects him to have known somethin, she obviously went to great length hiding from him. And if there's one thing Harvey never could stand it is her having secrets from him – her keeping things from him.

And he just doesn't know what to make of it.

Harvey knows that the possibility of a romantic relationship with Donna has been a stable undercurrent to their professional one for years. After all, he's been trying to get her into bed from the moment he laid eyes on her for the first time. But it's an idea he's buried so deep inside of him that he just doesn't know if he can ever go back. And all this time he thought that she had done the same.

And the sensation of it all makes him want to shatter the glass walls of his office because they so gloriously fail at shielding him from any of it.

But when he sees her then, in the dim lights of the expensive uptown bar that is the location of Mike's and Rachel's engagement party, he's reminded that despite of his anger and his confusion she wasn't the one who had to stir their status quo with an unexpected declaration of love.

And so again, it is impulse rather than reason that propels him to move into the empty spot at the bar next to her.

"_Mind if I get a little drunk with you?"_

He knows it's inappropriate, but it's the first thing that comes to his mind and at least it seems save enough a thing to say.

Donna looks at him equal parts surprised and amused and he takes that as a win.

She raises one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows at him when she says, "_So that is what you do now? Use cheesy movie pick-up lines on girls in bars?"_

Harvey shrugs at her unapologetically as he takes a sip of his scotch. _"If it is good enough for Clark Gable, it is good enough for me."_

And when she smiles at him then, he's grateful because easy banter has always been their safest form of communication. But then the silence stretches between them and it occurs to him that he's not on save ground with this at all because easy banter has always been their most compromising form of communication as well. So Harvey turns serious when he says,

"_How's working for Louis going?"_ And he's aware he's on shaky ground with that too, but at least the question is sincere because he really doesn't know.

Donna flinches only for the split of a second but Harvey catches a glimpse of the frustration and the resignation that suddenly transpires so palpable thorough her polished and casual exterior. He feels the urge to reach out, touch her wrist above her pulse point to draw her attention like he has done countless times, but before he can act on it Donna grabs the Jameson Rocks on the counter top in front of her with both hands – as though to steady herself – and says,

"_Good-"_ She doesn't look at him then, but keeps her eyes trained on the drink in her hands as she nods to make up for the conviction lacking in her voice. _"Working for Louis is good."_

"_-uncomplicated", _she adds, as if it was a mere afterthought.

Harvey studies her for a moment and when she looks at him then, all determination and vulnerability at the same time, he can't help but think that he's never seen her look more fragile than right at this moment. And fragile isn't an adjective that goes well with the name Donna Paulsen. And Harvey knows that he really shouldn't press the issue – at least not at their friend's engagement party – but it took him eight weeks to corner her and Harvey has never been a patient man. He needs to get some answers and he needs to get them right now.

And despite a very awkward conversation with Mike earlier this week, who specifically asked him not to cause a scene at their engagement party – on Rachel's behalf, he is sure – Harvey fixes his stare on the golden liquid that is his drink as he says,

"_I miss you, Donna."_

It surprises them both, really. And it sounds far too much like something he would say to a lost lover rather than to a lost secretary or to a lost friend. But then again, none of these categories seem to apply to her anymore even though she has once been all three of them to him. But it is the truth and he has fucked up way to many times since she started working for Louis.

Donna doesn't look at him but instead closes her eyes in resignation. Her left hand comes up to massage her temple as if him saying that actually causes her physical pain.

"_Harvey-"_, she says and he can hear how tiered and frustrated she is, how much he's worn her down with this already._ "Don't do this now."_

"_Then when?"_

He knows he's being cruel now. He knows he's trying to push her over the edge. And he knows it's an unfair move because Donna has made her choices and that he should honor them, no matter his personal feelings. And this really is neither a good place nor a good time but despite their working proximity Donna has managed to evade him for weeks now and Harvey is tired of waiting. He thinks that he's done with giving her space and with respecting her decisions because she still owes him some answers too.

But Donna takes her drink form the counter top and slides off her bar stool. Harvey doesn't anticipate her movement and fails to give her some space. For a few seconds she's almost standing between his legs and she's so close he can smell her shampoo. The familiarity of it all hits him like a wave. _He has really missed her_. Before he can think better of it, his hand flexes and reaches out to lightly touch her elbow to still her movements.

Donna shoots him one of her deadliest looks before she shrugs him off. Harvey lets go of her instantly.

"_Donna-_", he tries as she steps away from him. He wonders if they will ever manage to actually finish a conversation again without walking out on each other.

"_No, Harvey, you don't get to do this."_

Her voice is stern as she turns to walk away from him. He doesn't know whether she's talking about him touching her or trying to get answers from her. But at least she's talking to him and he thinks that he can't just let her walk out on him again. Avoiding each other has gotten them nowhere and he knows it will take them another eight weeks to get to this point again if he lets her walk away now. As he slides off his own bar stool to follow her, he chooses his next words carefully,

"_Donna, why are you doing this-?"_ And Harvey only stops himself short from ending his question with -_to me-_, because even he knows that that's a very narcissist and self-righteous thing to say.

Of course, Donna catches it anyway and Harvey knows then he's said the wrong thing all together again, because Donna suddenly whirls around in one fluid motion and spills parts of her drink all over her black cocktail dress. She doesn't even look down and her face is flushed red when she shouts at him,

"_Not everything is about you, Harvey_."

It earns them looks because her voice level was well above the background music and Donna immediately looks sorry. It occurs to him that now would be a good time to start not making a scene.

Donna's hand comes up to her temple again as she tries to collect herself.

Harvey clenches his jaw as he stares at her. He idly wonders how long it took her to tell him that. It might have been twelve years, he thinks then. He knows that he has taken more out of this relationship over the years than she has, but he has always assumed that they were on the exact same page with this. Because despite his consuming nature, Harvey has never taken her for granted.

_"I have to live my life, Harvey", _Donna says, more quietly this time, and her anger gives way to resignation again.

She's told him these exact same words before. And as much as Harvey likes to believe that the last time she told him that was because he had a bad feeling about Stephen Huntley and what was about to come, Harvey knows that it really was plain old jealousy and possessiveness, which had moved him to tell her that he was bothered by her seeing another man and that that didn't change a thing with regard to their own arrangement in the exact same conversation. He didn't want to be with her then – has even told her outright – but he also didn't want her to be with anyone else. And it dawns on him then, that that is a very selfish and narcissist thing to expect from anyone. That he _has_ indeed made her wait – that he is still trying to make her wait.

And as he watches her walk away and disappear into the crowd of people celebrating Mike's and Rachel's engagement, he wonders if the only right thing to do now is to set her free.


	7. Chapter 7

A big thank you to Guest, Marina, Guest and Guest for their feedback on chapter VI!

xxx

_Nichts macht uns so einsam wie unsere Geheimnisse_. – Paul Tournier

xxx

He knows she's there even before he opens the door to his apartment. He hears the quite sound of one of his John Coltrane records when he enters and he thinks that it is nice not to come home to an empty apartment for a change.

Her high heels and her handbag are neatly placed next to the door and when he enters his living room he sees her sitting on the far edge of his couch, bare feet propped up on his coffee table, a glass of white wine in one hand and his copy of Shakespeare's _Julius Cesar_ in the other. Donna once gave it to him.

"_You're late", _Jessica says without looking up from the book.

"_The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings"_, Harvey recites from memory. He means it as an apology – if not for being late.

Jessica raises an eyebrow at him as she puts the book down.

"_Are you implying that I am Brutus?" _she asks.

Harvey considers her question for a moment. And, indeed, the symmetry seems striking. But he thinks that he can't say that after the fight they had today – which already felt too much like being stabbed in the back – and so he slides his hands into his pockets and says instead,

"_Are you checking up on me?"_

"_Someone has to", _Jessica retorts knowingly.

They have a staring contest for a few seconds, struggling to put aside their many differences if only for the evening, before Jessica gives in without so much as a blink.

"_Go wash your hands – dinner's ready."_

And when he sees the sushi containers on his kitchen counter, Harvey is glad that she didn't bother with the cooking this time – it turns out, it is one of the few things she is not very good at.

They eat mostly in silence, the quite jazz in the background easing the tension of several weeks between them and Harvey is grateful for that. He enjoys her company, even after today, but he still doesn't feel much like talking and she doesn't seem to do either.

He knows that Jessica wouldn't have come to see him afterhours to bring him sushi if he weren't up to his neck in trouble. He's lost two cases in a row – which is almost unprecedented – and as of today, he was about to lose one of their most important clients because of a personal difference of opinion. Things have been slipping out of his control lately and it drives him crazy that he doesn't seem to be able to shatter the many walls he's backed up against.

He's barley able to control his anger these days and neither his work nor boxing or easy brunettes seem to provide the release they used to. In quieter moments however, Harvey secretly wonders if that is what it feels like to get old.

After dinner Jessica retreats back to his couch and picks up the book again as if it is what she does every night. Harvey pours them two glasses of scotch and starts to randomly browse through the latest issue of the Times. It is yesterday's news, but he's to tense to concentrate on anything else.

He knows he will have to make up to her for picking a personal fight with one of their most important clients.

Harvey eyes her uneasily over the rim of his glass and when he can't stand her silence anymore he says,

"_I'm sorry about today."_

Jessica briefly looks up from her book. Her voice is quite yet confident when she says,

"_I know."_

"_I'm going to fix this."_

This time, she doesn't look up.

"_I know."_

Harvey relaxes a little at her reassurance. He reclines in the chair on the other side of his coffee table. As he takes a sip of his scotch, he wonders if the woman across from him is still as broken as he is.

It is only much later, after Jessica turns the last page of the book that she puts it down in her lap and looks at him again.

_"Do you know why I didn't tell Jeff about Mike?"_

He's startled by her question momentarily – then again, he knew she didn't come here to read Shakespeare and keep him company. And, yes, Harvey has wondered why she didn't tell Jeff about Mike but instead got herself even further tangled up by dragging Louis into it.

And he certainly can relate to the impulse to share one's secrets with the people you care about. If he's learned one thing in the past four years than it is that a secret can forge a powerful bond between the people who share it – who have to protect it. And at the same time, it can create an infinite divide to the people who are excluded from it.

If you trust someone with your secrets, you trust them with your faults. You trust them to handle your inadequacies and your flaws and love you despite them. You trust them not to take advantage of your vulnerabilities. Harvey knows from experience that that is an excruciatingly hard thing to do. But he also knows from experience that Jessica values her firm above everything else and he respects her for that.

"_I didn't tell him because I believe keeping a secret relies on keeping the number of people involved as limited as possible."_

Her voice is calm, unagitated and Harvey can only nod as he isn't sure if he likes were she's going with that. To be on the safe side, he gets up to get himself a refill on his scotch.

"_You and Donna-", _Jessica suddenly says without breaking her stoic demeanor even in the slightest.

Harvey whirls around at that. He wants to cut her off, tell her that it's none of her business or that he doesn't want to talk about it, but his dismissive reply dies on his tongue when he actually thinks better of it. It is not like Jessica to pry and Harvey has always appreciated her quite unique take on life. In her own way, Harvey thinks, Jessica is a very wise woman, and if anything, she's an excellent negotiator. It is what makes her an exceptional lawyer. And Harvey thinks that he could actually use a little negotiating.

As she waits for his approval to continue, instead of cutting her off, he slowly asks,

"_What about me and Donna?"_

"_You need to fix that too."_

The anger of several weeks ignites as easily as a match and Harvey immediately fails to control it appropriately. He's never felt this stuck in his entire life and it's driving him crazy. He can't seem to let her go. He can't seem to reach out to her either. There's no going back and there's no going forward in this and that's a new experience in and of itself because Harvey Specter doesn't get stuck. His voice is loaded with sarcasm and much louder than before as it echoes of the walls of his loft.

"_And how exactly do I do that?"_

Jessica only stirs slightly. She fixes her gaze somewhere above his coffee table, but she doesn't seem bothered by his sudden agitation. She knows his anger isn't directed at her. At least not this time.

"_You do what you do best"_, she says decidedly as she takes a sip of her scotch. _"You talk to her."_

And Harvey's anger gives way to resignation as he remembers the last time he's brought up the subject at Mike's and Rachel's engagement party six weeks ago where Donna had walked out on him.

Since then, knowing his working schedule and his daily habits, Donna has perfected the task of avoiding him at the office. They've only ever accidentally run into each other once. Donna had to work late and Harvey had a late client meeting. They met at the elevator and she had looked at him as if she was seriously considering walking down fifty floors worth of stairs. It was the most uncomfortable elevator ride of his entire life.

"_She doesn't want to talk to me, Jessica"_, Harvey says as he heavily drops back into his chair and runs a hand trough his hair in resignation.

"_You're a lawyer, Harvey", _Jessica reminds him, as if he was in danger of actually forgetting about that. _"Nobody ever wants to talk to you."_ There's a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

He can't help but grin at her for a moment.

"_Are you telling me this, because you are concerned about your business?"_ he asks, but it is in good humor.

Jessica neatly places the Shakespeare next to her empty tumbler of scotch on his coffee table as she moves to get up. She smoothes down over her skirt before she looks at him again. Her voice holds no resentment when she says,

"_No, Harvey. I'm telling you this, because this women already knows every secret you ever had and she still stuck around with you for more than twelve years."_

As he hears her quietly close the door to his apartment and he is alone with his scotch and his jazz again, Harvey's grateful for her intervention. He thinks that one day he might actually be able to return the favor.


End file.
